Just sent to metro via wmata.com's customer comment page

Why why why why WHY did you shut down one of the escalators for maintenance at EIGHT O'CLOCK ON A MONDAY MORNING?!?! It took me 10 minutes to leave the station this morning. There was a crowd of people (easily a 100) trying to navigate their way up one (non-functional) escalator, while the middle escalator was shut down and blocked off with one maintenance man just kind of sitting around not doing much. Foggy Bottom station still isn't air conditioned, so we got to broil while we shuffled slowly forward for 10 minutes. The other escalator worked... going down, so we got to watch maybe 10 people saunter down the escalator while we tried to press forward. Several people were late and desperate enough to try walking up the down escalator.

When at last victory was at hand and I started making my way up the stairs towards freedom, the same metro maintenance man told us we were walking up the stairs too quickly and we had to slow down.

I arrived at work 5 minutes late, sweating and pissed off, instead of 15 minutes early like I'd planned. Thanks a fucking lot, metro. I don't mind you screwing up my commute for reasons that make sense (track maintenance, issues with rail cars, traffic, and recently, when the bus I was on hit a car and made us all disembark and seek alternate means of transit), but this is just ridiculous. If you're going to close an escalator for much needed service, can you at least wait until rush hour is over?!

People of the World,

Please learn the difference between "Reply To" and "Reply All" when replying to posts made to an e-mail group, and use each appropriately. While the entire group might need to know that you're planning on bringing a vegetarian main dish to the potluck, not everyone needs to see that you want to know if Bob will make it and if he needs a ride. Just email Bob.

Similarly, I know Facebook can be wonky. But if a message goes out to multiple people and you want to respond to the person who sent it, please learn the difference between the default reply button "Reply All" (which will send everyone your response to the sender in which you chatter about how you wish you could come to the party next Saturday, but if that whore is going to be there, you won't go) with the 'Reply' link under the original sender's name, which will send your reply to just the recipient and keep your feelings about Aunt Sue semi-private.

I know this requires an extra moment to think, which not everyone wants to do when they're dashing out a quick reply, but... seriously, people, you're killing me here.

Hugs & Kisses,
Christina

Dear Senator Yancey McGill,

I read with some dismay in the Charlotte Observer that you support the Christian-based 'I believe' license plate. And while the lack of options for other faiths is unfortunately typical, your comments about Wicca and Buddhism astound me.

Regardless of your personal religious beliefs, surely you can believe in the First Amendment right of all American citizens to practice a faith of their choosing. Wicca has incorporated churches with IRS sanctioned 501(c)3 status and after 9 years of stonewalling due to, in my opinion, sheer cussedness, the VA has finally approved the pentacle as a religious symbol. Whether or not you as a Christian like it, who are you to tell me that my faith is not valid and as a practitioner of that faith, I am not afforded the same rights as a practitioner of of Christianity?

This point may be moot since I'm a citizen of Washington, DC and have no real voting rights (that's a whole other can of worms). But if enough citizens of South Carolina wanted 'I Believe' pagan tags to warrant the printing, why would you deny them? More importantly, why would deny a religion that has, at conservative estimate, 150,000 members in the United States and at larger estimates put at over a million members?

Neo-Pagans face discrimination every day, in the media, at the work place and by the government. Parents have lost custody of their children over their religious practices. Workers have lost their jobs. We are not devil worshippers, we are not evil. We work, we date, we play, we live, we love, we worship. Thanks for denying us our rights and adding to the ignorance.

Blessed be!
Christina

Dear Body,

I know we only got 6 hours of sleep last night. And I know I made you do a half hour on the bike machine. But it was an easy half hour and we've had a lot of coffee. You cannot take a nap. Stop asking for one.

No love,
Christina

(submitted to liquidplumr.com)

To Whom it May Concern,

My sink clogged Friday night, so I purchased a container of Liquid Plumber from a Shoppers in Alexandria on Saturday. I placed the container in my bag and continued about my day. For various reasons, I ended up leaving it in my bag for the rest of the day, Sunday and most of today.

Today, I got on the train going home and discovered that my container of drain cleaner had somehow gotten open and leaked all over the contents of my bag and was leaking through the bag onto my jeans and the floor of the train. Thanks to a helpful passenger, I was able to isolate the spill further, but the damage was done. Drain cleaner had spilled all over and was staining my jeans, had ruined two books in my bag, as well as leaking over my iPod cover and my earphones. Drain cleaner had also reached my iPod - I haven't yet had the courage to discover if it works yet. My bag is ruined. And to top it all off, after using the remaining product on my sink, it is still clogged.

I am really upset. I have abused sealed bottles of coke in my bag more and never had them leak, but sitting around in a bag for two days, plus carrying a bag for perhaps 30 minutes of walking in 10 minute increments over three days is enough to make your product - made out of harsh chemicals that could have hurt someone! - leak.

I would like compensation for my possessions, or at the very least, my pair of jeans which are now covered with bleach spots and not wearable. Please contact me at my phone number, listed above, or email me about this issue.

I am so freaking stupid tonight and I have a general contempt for humanity. Also, callers are assholes tonight. And my room is really messy. And my TV isn't getting reception for non-cable channels, so I CAN'T WATCH HEROES.

I mean, I could. But I'd have to go downstairs and I'm working and new!Roommate has people over, so that'd be pretty rude and they totally think I'm an anti-social troll. Or something. Whatever.

I have a shiny new duvet cover. stentoriansista talked me into buying it in Duck. It wasn't hard. It went something like "I want to get this." "OK." "But I can't." "Why?" "It's too expensive." "Whatever. Buy it." "OK." It has birdies in trees on the front and apples on the back. I'm going to pick up some pillow shams from BB&B tomorrow and then I shall have the cutest bed in all the land!

It doesn't go with my awesome creepy art I got at Crafty Bastards, but I like being hard to define like that.

Dear Dancing with the Stars,

You should not do a quickstep to "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." Stop making Stevie Wonder cry inside. Well, he's probably not, but if he could say what y'all are doing to it, he might.

No love,
Christina

Dear Amazon.com, or more accurately, Dear Underpaid Customer Service Rep Who Has to Read This,

I just received an Amazon / Weight Watchers offer in my email. You know, I find this insulting. This is the second time I've received this offer in a year and I am not interested. The only conceivable "diet and fitness book" I could have bought was Overcoming Overeating (a book about how shit like Weight Watchers doesn't work and actually just sets you up for failure) from an amazon marketplace three years ago. For a dollar.

Thanks for saying I'm fat, though!

Hugs & Kisses,
Christina

Dear Tummy,

Please stop telling me you are hungry and then when I take a bite of something, give me "OMG SO FULL! CANNOT EAT ANYMORE!" It stinks. It stinks even more when I finish whatever I'm eating and then an hour later get "OMG I AM SO VERY EMPTY PLZ FEED ME." I'm sick of this lather, rinse, repeat cycle. Can we lose the repeat and send me clear signals?

No love,
Christina

Dear Will Power,

Please come back.

No love,
Christina

Dear Davis Vision Care,

What is your major malfunction? Please explain to me why if I want to get an eye exam for glasses, it will cost me $10 and if I want to get an eye exam for contacts, I get a 15% discount and will pay $60.15? How does this work? The contact lens fitting portion of the exam took a grand total of 1 minute. How does one minute cost me $50.15? Why do you suck so much?

And how is it that your lens provider lens123.com is on so much crack? You say we'll pay up to 40% of retail price... so why is one box of lenses is $45 when TruVision has it for $24 (and is recommended by my health care) and 1-800-Contacts has it for $22.50 a box? (Granted, they price match, but it's the principal of the thing!) I mean, I'll be getting my contacts from Costco of 1-800-Contacts regardless, but again, I find it so very, very weird that you'll cover up to $70 for a pair of glasses but almost nothing for contacts.

I'm going to get the contact wearers of Washington, DC together and we're going to march on your administrative offices. There'll be blood, baby.

Fuck you very much,
Christina

PS - My prescription has gone up .5 on each eye. Eyes, why do you do this to me?

Dear Demeter,

Thank you for creating strawberries. You did some excellent, excellent work there. I always forget how much I like them until I have some, and then I can't stop eating them.

Lots of love,
Christina

PS - I also really, really appreciate cherries & raspberries. You rock.

I am at work. It's kind of weird being the only one here. I mean, there's a finance committee meeting going on downstairs, but they showed up half an hour after I did, bitches. But hoo mama am I tired. I've got venti coffee and I'm making it through the day. The airport caused me to hemmorhage money and I've been trying to decide between ordering pizza and doing a chicken broccoli stirfry when I get home. And if I should take a cab/bus from the king street metro. Because when you take home a lamp & a knitted rug and a set of mixing bowls, suddenly your luggage is much heavier. And I didn't bring my rollybag. Hmm, that'd be a good Christmas present for me, a carryon sized rolly bag.

Dear LAX,

A 20 oz bottle of Sprite should not cost $3. Fuck you very much.

Hugs & Kisses,
Christina

It's kinda funny that the weather in California this weekend was awful and nasty and rainy and it was 80 out here. I'm just saying.

OK, I'm now Virginia Wolfing it and going stream of consciousness, so I better get back to work before I put stones in my pockets and walk into the Potomac. Because the Potomac is nasty.

Dear Keys,

I know, I know, I neglect you. I throw you in pockets, I leave you places, I jam you into doors, I use you to open CDs. I understand your anger.

But keys, when I left the GF's house this morning and realized you weren't with me, keys, I was very, very sad. I know you're probably in the house, or in her car, but I'm not sure. Do you not know how much you mean to me? How many doors you open? The fact that you may be lost to me forever makes me physically ill.

Come back to me, my lovelies. Come back soon.

Yours, truly,
Christina

Dear Amazon,

Thank you for this new definition of irony. I bought Overcoming Overeating from one of your marketplace stores two years ago for $2, a book about how diets don't work and you need to learn to just eat what you want, when you want, naturally and you'll eventually end at your healthy weight. And today, you send me an offer to get 25% off if I join Weight Watchers because I've bought books about diet and fitness.

So, thanks for the chuckle, but fuck you very much.

No love,
Christina

Dear April,

Stop being the cruelest month.

Fuck you very much,
Christina

Dear H&M,

I officially hate you. I was totally feeling the love - you've got cute clothes at great prices. Then we went to your store at Tyson's Corner on Sunday, only to find out that everything ugly about the 60's had gone there to die. Yuck. Who really looks good in your orange, psychadelic print long sleeve babydoll dresses? I still managed to find a cute off-white shirt dress, something that I've been wanting, but your refusal to line dresses meant that all of my goods were on display and if I wanted to wear this out in public, I'd have to wear a full slip, something I don't actually own. This also negates the purpose of wearing a lightweight dress in the midst of the DC humidity in the summer. You're based in Sweden, maybe you don't know about these things.

Still determined to find a lovely, inexpensive dress for my upcoming wedding, I ran to your downtown DC location on my lunch break. Maybe you haven't gotten a shipment in a while and that's why it looks like the store had imploded on itself. Maybe it was the lunch rush. Maybe the rest of DC was anxious to wear those Madonna designed fugs you've been hawking on the pages of the Express and the store was just picked over. The stylish wrap dresses that are your staple were conspicuously absent. I don't know. I do know that I managed to find a few more cute things, in the sizes I couldn't find on Sunday and was eager to try them on in the fitting room. Hell, I didn't even mind waiting 20 minutes to get into the damn thing.

But, H&M, what happened? That cute diagonal striped skirt that was a scoch too small in 14 was horrendous on me in your 16. The exact same cute shirt dress (in a different color) showed off every unattractive curve in 14. Same for the all polyesther faux wrap thing. It was surprising that I managed to find these dresses in 14 and I knew that you wouldn't have them in 16 or gods forbid 18s that might actually look flattering on me. So, I left, filled with rage, having to walk through crowds of tourists trying to look at Ford's theater and go back to work and thinking that I should have bought that dress on Sunday, but also thinking that I never want to give you money again.

H&M, what is so wrong about my body that you won't cut clothes to fit it? Why do your tops always have sleeves that feel like bloodpressure cuffs? Why is my one cute jacket from you a size 16, when at any other store it would be a 12? Why do your clothes aimed for young people not go above a size 12? Why do you not want my money and the money of the millions of other slightly larger women who want attractive clothes at reasonable prices? The average American woman is a size 14. Did you not get that memo? I'm tired of going to a store and thinking 'what's wrong with me that I can't fit into these clothes?' Now I ask, H&M, what's wrong with you?

I resent that if I want cute clothes I'm either going to have to make them or go to one of your competitors who will overcharge me. Sure, their clothes will be better made and probably last longer, but I don't have the money to spend or the inclination to look. I can't afford Lane Bryant and their tops are too big for me anyway.

I'm sick of being in the middle, of being too fat for fashion and too skinny for the plus sizes. So, H&M, thanks for reminding me that I don't matter. That to the eyes of clothes manufacturing America, I'm invisible. I wasn't really using my self esteem today anyway.

Fuck you very much,
Christina

PS - I might also just be grumpy because my sandals have given me 5 blisters in 3 hours, but still, this sucks.

Dear Gmail,

I cannot live without you. COME BACK!!!

Hugs and kisses,
Christina

Dear CVS,

Why do you sell generic brand electric toothbrushes with replaceable heads but no replacement heads? Do you see the flaw in your logic here?

No love,
Christina

Dear Health Care of America,

You are all a bunch of fucktards. (with the exception of chilimuffin, who I'd totally want for a GP) Why, why, WHY am I getting a bill for my routine bloodwork and papsmear in excess of a paycheck? Why didn't you bill my insurance? What? You had a problem? And you didn't investigate? Wait, why is your incompetence my problem? Oh right, because our healthcare system is grossly mismanaged and I'd have to pay to get a fucking iron count bloodtest out of pocket.

Fuck you very much,
Christina

Dear Pretty New Television,

Oh, for fucks sake! Why, why WHY can I not watch American Idol and play with my sewing machine like the rest of mankind? Your refusal to work with universal remotes irked me, but I could like with it. The amount of cords required to hook up an Insignia television to an Insignia DVD/VCR was a bit much, but hey, it worked. But why can't I access ANY NORMAL CHANNELS? Oh, I hate you so very, very much.

ETA Will miracles never fucking cease. A 25 minute long tech support problem actually FIXED THE ISSUE.

Dear Best Buy,

Thanks for not stocking universal remotes that work with Insignia, your generic brand of television that you sell constantly. And thanks even more for making most remotes not work with it! Way to make me never want to buy large pieces of technology from you ever again!

Hugs and Kisses,
Christina

PS - Don't worry, I think I'm just going to hook up my DVD/VCR and just watch via the VCR cable settings. It should work. I think.

Dear Snopes,

I love you for this.

Smooches,
Christina

Dear Snow,

Please, please go away. I really don't want to have to cancel the show tonight and I'm really sick of taking phone calls from people confirming that we're on or people exchanging out because ZOMG SNOWWWW!!!!!11one

Hugs and kisses,
Christina